Joshua 1:9 – Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; Do not be discouraged. For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
A few weeks ago I made some very important changes in my life. Now, if you know me you may not have looked and noticed anything specific about my physical appearance because all of these changes were absolutely internal. You see, me and Jesus, we got something straight! He told me it was all going to be OK! Yes, even in my broken mess, I’m going to be OK and I’m enough! I was on a women’s retreat with my church. We had been allotted some alone time with the Lord to reflect on “why” individually God had brought us there. And so, I set out on a slow walk to find a quiet place to reflect on whatever had brought me there.
Man, I was in such a bad place! I hated everything: My husband, being married, I hated my job, being busy all the time and never having any time for myself. I hated that I wasn’t perfect, and I couldn’t do everything that others expected of me! I was trying so hard to please everyone around me. Especially myself! I got lost in all of that! So lost that I forgot the ONE I was supposed to be striving to please! JESUS, my sweet Jesus!
And all of my rage, frustration, and depression I was feeling overwhelmed and incapable. A constant failure every day, never measuring up to the standard that others, along with myself had set as acceptable! I needed to be the perfect wife, good enough to attract the perfect husband! I needed to be the perfect mom, good enough for my kids to obey all of my rules and do all of their chores without being reminded! I needed to be lovable, enough that my stepchildren can see me for who I think I am, and not the bad guy! I mean?? If I was lovable, good enough, and respected then they would do all of that unprompted, right? Yeah it was all pretty much crashing down on me! I felt the walls of my world caving in slowly and the oxygen from the air I struggled to breathe thinning! Spiritually I was suffocating. I was looking to my husband, my children, stepchildren, anyone to get the spiritual air that I needed to survive!
And so, as I walked looking for that perfect little garden, the sweet little spot in the nice green grass, or pretty waterfall to sit beside in the mountains, I just couldn’t find rest until I came a bench across from an old dilapidated building surrounded by caution tape and big orange traffic cones, and signs that said condemned. As I finally plopped down on that bench feeling frustrated that all the pretty little spots were taken, I found a breath! Oh my sweet Jesus! It was your breath in my lungs! In just that quiet time and reflection with an open Bible, he met me there! I felt him show me that even though my life seemed to be surrounded and caution tape, and was not fit to be trodden upon, it had promise! The promise to be rebuilt! New, stronger, and better! I literally began to laugh out loud! I felt the rage and the frustration flow from my soul. I felt that peace that I’ve always longed for! Yeah you know the one that in the Bible verse that says, “Peace which passes all understanding”! That’s the one! I found it there on my little dilapidated bench and dangerous construction site. I stood and casually walked alongside my Jesus back to the meeting room. It was time to “Be Brave!”
For over a year I have felt a calling to share my thoughts and my experiences with other women. And for the past year I have run from that calling! No, my life is still not perfect, my husband and my children, my marriage, nothing is perfect. In fact it’s still a hot mess, but that PEACE! Man it sure does pass anything I’m able to understand. And I find it every day when I spend time with Jesus. From the day of that retreat until the day I started this blog I have been belly up to the table!! “The King and his Daughter – party of two!! Well…. now that you’re here, it’s the king and his daughter….and YOU – party of three! Feast on PEACE! Bon appétit!